oh, god

glasses!

Is there any more certain sign of impending middle-agedness then having a pair of glasses perched upon your face? (A: Yes,  there is.  Look at your waistline or hairline – Ed.)

I’ve successfully resisted getting glasses for years, but after a few too many times of squinting at a computer screen when it is late, or at the tiny text on some wine bottle in poor light, I caved and went to visit the optometrist and the trendy eyeglass shop with my friend John, who knows about such things. 

The guy selling the glasses looked like a cross between The Strokes and Elton John (he had very large glasses which screamed “GLASSES” and dared you to comment).  This intimidated me.  I mean, I love Sir Elton as much as the next guy, I just don’t want, like, Christmas lights, or Bootsy Collins glasses, or something.  We’d had a couple of beers at lunch before the eyeglass shop so I was treating the whole thing like a big joke, which probably wasn’t very entertaining for Elton, who looked weary when we came into the shop.

Anyway… he showed me loads of glasses, voicing his opinion on each.  I had no idea what to choose, so I selected these ones you see here.  I look like a Mac ad or something, which is ironic given that I’m really the PC guy, but I guess it could be worse.

The meeting with the optometrist was interesting… it was the first eye examination (sans getting a driver’s license) I’d had in, oh, 40 years or so, since I had a crossed eye when I was a little ‘un.  “You don’t have stereoscopic vision!”  she announced to me, which is odd as I can determine distances, see the 3D stuff in Avatar and such.  I think what she meant is my eyes don’t work together or something.  I guess that makes sense:  When I look through binoculars I close one eye to focus.

I must admit that reading and close-up monitors is easier now than before, although objects in middle-distance look blurry.  They are reading glasses after all, not corrective prescription.  But the optometrist says that after a few days your brain adjusts and things get clearer.  If I could wear them for a few days (I’ve lost them once, already… maybe it was deliberate?) then I’ll find out.

And so the long, slow slide into decrepitude continues…

Comments

[mike]

I've worn glasses for myopia since I was 10, so the idea of glasses wasn't strange. But my stark realization of, as you call it, the slide into decrepitude came when I had to take them OFF to see things (or read) up close. My optometrist fairly cackled at my next check-up -- "And it deteriorates very quickly!" he offered as he announced my requirement for bifocals (gah) or as we more modern types do, progressive lenses. (For which, let me tell you, the sweet spot is darned small.)

I actually wore contacts briefly (needed them for diving), but the window closed on those -- although I can still wear them, I'd never be able to read, so it would be glasses still for most of what I do.

Anyway, welcome to the club. :-)

[misha]

Thanks for comments Mike.

Funny what you said about your optometrist... mine was positively gleeful when she pronounced to me: "You don't have stereoscopic vision!", like some annoying, know-it-all kid. Ugh.